spitting blood

being on stage is really a bloody ordeal. if you're not shedding everything inside you that screams to fight against you, the personal tension just gives you away, and your have defeated yourself, overcoming nothing...and dying in the process...and everyone gets to watch...in that kind of "poor you" way that just makes you feel like you want to go hide in a closet. mistakes are one thing, not giving it your complete all, everything you are, in that moment, not living and ecompassing that moment, not even becoming that moment...is when the show becomes a pity party. i thought i saw my cousin in the audience...was a weird moment...

1000 friends...bullshit...

apparently, according to the local news last night, lonliness is just as deadly as high cholesterol or other blood related illness, hence, i've made it my mission in life to surround myself with myspace friends, and i'm happy to report that i've passed the 1000th friend mark. So, to all those out there with REAL friends....boooya!! i will now be able to sit and watch the host of great movies coming out on dvd with "T.H.E.M" or "lights out" - people who really care...

seriously though, this isn't a rant against my "friends" on myspace...i'm so happy they added me, i'm just curious about the ramifications of using the word friend for something that hardly fulfills the meaning of the word...again, no offense and many thanks to the many people that added themselves and love the music...

what am i feeling...

you ever get to those moments when you're trying to figure out what you're feeling, perhaps i'm overanalyzing, or maybe i just want to type words on a blog, or maybe i'm seriously in need of new thoughts, thoughts of my own, that represent me and my desire to break my daily patterns, i hate when i order the same sandwhich at the cafe down the hall...but it's soooo good. why mess with a good thing - you could totally come up with a pretty convincing argument either way...why do i have such furvent dreams here in new york city? am i closer to the dreamscape? or does my rem sleep suck?

obviously these are not super deep thoughts, and reflect ramifications for no one else but me...so...you're pretty much wasting your time reading this...but i did want to add to the wide expanse of scudge that represents textual opinion by laymen such as myself.

cheers.

deeper and loftier goals... to peel back the ears of the hipsters and scenesters of whom don't really give a fuck... whom am i playing for? ultimately? who am i writing for? eternally? or is it in the moment? is the concept of a publich show to which people attend, archaic in nature now? something of the past that people attend for good ole times sake? for posterity? now you can play a show online and attract 60,000+ after a week, obviously some will contest the energy level must be decreased...who cares, "i'll make it do what it do" and that's all i can do... i can never stop...